SynfulDruid
10-10-2014, 21:15
It’s that time of year. For three glorious months in a row there are three major holidays, one right after another that people look forward to all year. What’s not to like? The leaves are turning golden, the leggings are coming out (and trust me ladies we acknowledge the squats you have been doing), and we’re gearing up three days that will somehow make us forget the horror of the last year. The start of this season is in just a few short days on All Hallows Eve, also known as Halloween.
No one’s really sure where it came from. Some say it was a Celtic Harvest festival. Others say that it has to do with the fact that November 1st is All Saint’s Day and it’s a Fat Tuesday for the Christmas season. Who cares? We’re all going to carve up some pumpkins, gather round and have a hell of a lot of fun. The really funny thing about Halloween is that it’s a holiday that has several phases, and pretty much everybody can get onboard with each phase. So let’s look at the phases in order, and look back (and forward) to all the fun we’ll have—or had.
Phase 1: CANDY! 0-12 years old. Twick or Tweet. I don’t care if you dressed up as a princess, Optimus Prime, or Luke Skywalker, this phase of your life is all about the candy. Your parents are taking you to neighborhoods, or they’re dropping you off at a big lock-in with tons of candy and bounce houses. WHO CARES! THERE’S CANDY! Your costume probably didn’t cost much and you love showing it off to your friends. Half the fun is running after said friends pretending to be your costume, or getting such a sugar high that your head is probably going to explode.
This phase of your life is pretty freaking awesome. Your only worry is that mom will confiscate all your hard earned booty (she will) before you can fill your gut. You’re going to start off close to big brothers or sisters, or parents, but eventually you’ll group with a gaggle of children that gets further and further from the parents. Unless you grew up in a monastery you can probably close your eyes and remember some awesome memories. Maybe you can even taste the sweet candy on your lips. It’s a great innocent time in your life, and sadly it’ll never come again, so if you’ve got kids encourage them to enjoy it.
Phase 2: Little Monsters. 13-18 years old. Look, don’t even lie, you were a little shit-head when you were a teen. That’s ok and kind of what being a teen is all about. Sadly, Halloween kind of brought out your inner demon, and you went looking for trouble. In this phase of your life, your parents are nowhere in sight. If they even thought about trying to control you, you’d show them! Don’t lie. You KNOW you did it.
The gaggle has been maintained. Packs of roving teens roaming neighborhoods are more interested in Trick than Treat. They’ll TP houses, throw eggs, steal candy, and generally make people wish those little bastards hadn’t been born. This phase is just as fun but for different reasons. The girls’ costumes are getting shorter and showing more. The boys are trying to impress said women with feats of stupidity. The ultimate goal is to prove who the biggest hooligan is.
If you’re a parent, this phase fills you with terror. If you’re a kid. . . ROCK ON! One way or another this phase in your life will get memorable. It’s probably a hell of a ride and you’re going to love every second. Enjoy it.
Phase 3: Party Rockers in the House Tonight! 19-27(ish). This phase of Halloween is out-fucking-standing, and chances are you can’t remember it. The ladies are trying to outdo each other‘s costumes. The gents are trying to obliterate their livers. By the end of the night everyone’s going to make a bad decision they’re going to laugh about later. Parents? What parents? You’re on your own, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re not even bothering with Trick or Treat. There are probably pranks pulled, but only as an afterthought. As you stumble to the places you’re going to pass out (hopefully with a member of the opposite sex in tow), you might spare a thought to pissing on someone’s porch, but for the most part the party is where it’s at.
Have the time of your life. Take your significant other. As a guy, it was awesome to be able to get a girlfriend to wear that super small and sexy costume without having to beg or plead. It comes but once a year, so enjoy the hell out of it. Remember, those costumes are not making it you next year, so go cheap, and tear it up. What does it matter if you get memories of a lifetime you can’t remember. One thing you should keep in mind though, police reports stick, so don’t get too stupid.
Phase 4: The circle is now complete. 28(ish)-40(ish). There’s not actually a set time-frame for when this phase starts, but you’ve really done it now. You liver can’t take the constant beating, and that cute girl that looked so hot in the sexy nurse costume is now your wife. That same costume a couple of years earlier might’ve played a direct role in your current predicament. You are now a parent. Aw hell. Chin up. This is actually fun in a completely different way. I know you were probably a high speed death machine in your youth, but now your munchkin dressing up like a little Yoda or Cinderella, and there’s a small part of you that goes awwww. It’s a little terrifying because they can get out of your sight so quick that it’ll make your head spin.
If you can chill out, it’s actually a little fun. You’re probably going to go all out decorating your house. Have fun with it. Just like every previous phase this is not coming again. You might sneak in a Halloween party somewhere in there, but your wife most absolutely will NOT wear that nurse costume ever again, and the hangovers tend to make you not want to obliterate your liver. Remember half the fun here is embarrassing the hell out of your kids, so really, have fun with that!
Phase 5: Candy Provider 28(ish)-Zombie. Maybe you’re not the parent that likes trick or treating. Maybe you’re the one that’s manning the fort. Or maybe your kids have moved off. Any way you slice it, this is kind of fun in that you get to see the cute kids, get to harass the teens and don’t have to deal with the idiots that are obliterating their liver. It’s going to cost you, but who really cares. There’s something slightly evil about giving children so much candy they’ll go straight to ludicrous speed, and you get kicks out of that. In the latter years of your life, this makes you feel connected with the world, and can remind you of a lot of good times in your life.
Enjoy this. Relax. Have fun with the decorations. It’s a great time, and while you’re not going to have the same kind of experience, you are an integral part of Halloween. You might have to deal with pranksters, but that’s just part of the day. Don‘t get too stressed out about teens acting like retards because when you finally keel over and become a zombie, those little bastards will be your first meal.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
No one’s really sure where it came from. Some say it was a Celtic Harvest festival. Others say that it has to do with the fact that November 1st is All Saint’s Day and it’s a Fat Tuesday for the Christmas season. Who cares? We’re all going to carve up some pumpkins, gather round and have a hell of a lot of fun. The really funny thing about Halloween is that it’s a holiday that has several phases, and pretty much everybody can get onboard with each phase. So let’s look at the phases in order, and look back (and forward) to all the fun we’ll have—or had.
Phase 1: CANDY! 0-12 years old. Twick or Tweet. I don’t care if you dressed up as a princess, Optimus Prime, or Luke Skywalker, this phase of your life is all about the candy. Your parents are taking you to neighborhoods, or they’re dropping you off at a big lock-in with tons of candy and bounce houses. WHO CARES! THERE’S CANDY! Your costume probably didn’t cost much and you love showing it off to your friends. Half the fun is running after said friends pretending to be your costume, or getting such a sugar high that your head is probably going to explode.
This phase of your life is pretty freaking awesome. Your only worry is that mom will confiscate all your hard earned booty (she will) before you can fill your gut. You’re going to start off close to big brothers or sisters, or parents, but eventually you’ll group with a gaggle of children that gets further and further from the parents. Unless you grew up in a monastery you can probably close your eyes and remember some awesome memories. Maybe you can even taste the sweet candy on your lips. It’s a great innocent time in your life, and sadly it’ll never come again, so if you’ve got kids encourage them to enjoy it.
Phase 2: Little Monsters. 13-18 years old. Look, don’t even lie, you were a little shit-head when you were a teen. That’s ok and kind of what being a teen is all about. Sadly, Halloween kind of brought out your inner demon, and you went looking for trouble. In this phase of your life, your parents are nowhere in sight. If they even thought about trying to control you, you’d show them! Don’t lie. You KNOW you did it.
The gaggle has been maintained. Packs of roving teens roaming neighborhoods are more interested in Trick than Treat. They’ll TP houses, throw eggs, steal candy, and generally make people wish those little bastards hadn’t been born. This phase is just as fun but for different reasons. The girls’ costumes are getting shorter and showing more. The boys are trying to impress said women with feats of stupidity. The ultimate goal is to prove who the biggest hooligan is.
If you’re a parent, this phase fills you with terror. If you’re a kid. . . ROCK ON! One way or another this phase in your life will get memorable. It’s probably a hell of a ride and you’re going to love every second. Enjoy it.
Phase 3: Party Rockers in the House Tonight! 19-27(ish). This phase of Halloween is out-fucking-standing, and chances are you can’t remember it. The ladies are trying to outdo each other‘s costumes. The gents are trying to obliterate their livers. By the end of the night everyone’s going to make a bad decision they’re going to laugh about later. Parents? What parents? You’re on your own, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re not even bothering with Trick or Treat. There are probably pranks pulled, but only as an afterthought. As you stumble to the places you’re going to pass out (hopefully with a member of the opposite sex in tow), you might spare a thought to pissing on someone’s porch, but for the most part the party is where it’s at.
Have the time of your life. Take your significant other. As a guy, it was awesome to be able to get a girlfriend to wear that super small and sexy costume without having to beg or plead. It comes but once a year, so enjoy the hell out of it. Remember, those costumes are not making it you next year, so go cheap, and tear it up. What does it matter if you get memories of a lifetime you can’t remember. One thing you should keep in mind though, police reports stick, so don’t get too stupid.
Phase 4: The circle is now complete. 28(ish)-40(ish). There’s not actually a set time-frame for when this phase starts, but you’ve really done it now. You liver can’t take the constant beating, and that cute girl that looked so hot in the sexy nurse costume is now your wife. That same costume a couple of years earlier might’ve played a direct role in your current predicament. You are now a parent. Aw hell. Chin up. This is actually fun in a completely different way. I know you were probably a high speed death machine in your youth, but now your munchkin dressing up like a little Yoda or Cinderella, and there’s a small part of you that goes awwww. It’s a little terrifying because they can get out of your sight so quick that it’ll make your head spin.
If you can chill out, it’s actually a little fun. You’re probably going to go all out decorating your house. Have fun with it. Just like every previous phase this is not coming again. You might sneak in a Halloween party somewhere in there, but your wife most absolutely will NOT wear that nurse costume ever again, and the hangovers tend to make you not want to obliterate your liver. Remember half the fun here is embarrassing the hell out of your kids, so really, have fun with that!
Phase 5: Candy Provider 28(ish)-Zombie. Maybe you’re not the parent that likes trick or treating. Maybe you’re the one that’s manning the fort. Or maybe your kids have moved off. Any way you slice it, this is kind of fun in that you get to see the cute kids, get to harass the teens and don’t have to deal with the idiots that are obliterating their liver. It’s going to cost you, but who really cares. There’s something slightly evil about giving children so much candy they’ll go straight to ludicrous speed, and you get kicks out of that. In the latter years of your life, this makes you feel connected with the world, and can remind you of a lot of good times in your life.
Enjoy this. Relax. Have fun with the decorations. It’s a great time, and while you’re not going to have the same kind of experience, you are an integral part of Halloween. You might have to deal with pranksters, but that’s just part of the day. Don‘t get too stressed out about teens acting like retards because when you finally keel over and become a zombie, those little bastards will be your first meal.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.