Military Jokes

[SSG BRETADO]

Well, I searched these forums and couldnt find a thread for jokes or humor.... Hopefully I didnt miss it. So lets get this thread going with military related jokes/humor.

Here are few I found:

Airborne Ranger

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?" The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?"

"Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.
As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.
The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"
The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"
The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"



Building an NCO

A lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little boy, playing with a pile of shit. "Son, what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant.
"I'm building an NCO," said the boy.
The lieutenant, thinking this was quite funny, returned with his captain, and asked the same question. Again, the boy replied that he was building an NCO.
The captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the company area, and brought the first sergeant out. Again the question was asked, and the reply was the same.
The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was building an NCO.
The boy replied "Because I don't have enough shit to make an officer."

[SSG BRETADO]

Got this off Facebook

3744

[Rickety Rob]

3745

I would piss my pants if this happened to me

[iamthesgt]

3745

I would piss my pants if this happened to me

Yeah...EOD is not for me

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2

[Rickety Rob]

Yeah...EOD is not for me

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2

I can't imagine the type of jokes they play on each other. I can see that some of them are probably really jacked up

[ZuluNiner]

So, again we're at the airport, in the latrine.

A Petty Officer walks into the latrine at the airport to take a leak. The only other person in the room is a Lance Corporal utilizing another urinal. The Petty Officer begins to do his business, and a short time later the marine finishes, buttons up, grabs his bags, and heads for the door.

The Petty Officer speaks up and says, "You know, marine, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we use the latrine."

The Lance Corporal looks at him for a second, then says, "In the Marine Corps, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

[iamthesgt]

I can't imagine the type of jokes they play on each other. I can see that some of them are probably really jacked up

Well I know that humor helps relieve extreme stress...and other jobs where you don't want to focus on the "what if". I've been told many times about coroners that, to keep their sanity, they'll do crazy stuff. Like setting their bowl of spaghetti on the corpse's chest and eating it right there!

[Rickety Rob]

Well I know that humor helps relieve extreme stress...and other jobs where you don't want to focus on the "what if". I've been told many times about coroners that, to keep their sanity, they'll do crazy stuff. Like setting their bowl of spaghetti on the corpse's chest and eating it right there!

That's pretty gross if they do that kind of stuff. Like seriously GROSS!

[iamthesgt]

That's pretty gross if they do that kind of stuff. Like seriously GROSS!

Lol. My old scoutmaster had a buddy who was a coroner. That story is what they did his first day on the job, and I believe he puked when he saw it. But they've got to figure out a way to see humor in it, or they'll just go crazy. Just look at the coroner in Psych! (wait, you mean TV isn't always real? Drat!)

[Rickety Rob]

Lol. My old scoutmaster had a buddy who was a coroner. That story is what they did his first day on the job, and I believe he puked when he saw it. But they've got to figure out a way to see humor in it, or they'll just go crazy. Just look at the coroner in Psych! (wait, you mean TV isn't always real? Drat!)

I can see why they do that type of stuff. Cause if eating off a dead corps isn't gross, the type of shit they'll see being around other dead bodies maybe to much for them to work around. I still wouldn't be able to do it though

[MARDIGRA21]

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech."In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two things" he says, scanning his eyes across the room."The first: you must be completely comfortable with anything on, in, or around the human body" and with this utterance dramatically whips the sheet off of a cadaver that has been laid face down on the table in front of him. He then, to the amazement of the medical students gathered in front of him proceeds to shove a finger into the cadavers anus, pulls the finger out, and then puts a finger into his mouth."To impress upon you how important this is, I will now require that all of you form a line, walk up to the cadaver, and then do precisely as I have just done. Any person who find themselves unwilling to attempt this will automatically fail the program. If you don't think that you can handle it, the door is over there". After a minute of shocked murmuring, the students make their decision. A handful head to the door but the large majority of them form a line and proceed to mimic their instructor.After the students have finished and sat down, the doctor continues with his speech. "The second thing that you must master is this: pay attention to each and every detail, let none escape your notice. Needless to say, all of you have a great deal of work to do in this. I am appalled that not a single, solitary one of you noticed that I stuck my index finger into the cadaver's rectum, but my*middle fingerinto my mouth".

[Rickety Rob]

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech."In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two things" he says, scanning his eyes across the room."The first: you must be completely comfortable with anything on, in, or around the human body" and with this utterance dramatically whips the sheet off of a cadaver that has been laid face down on the table in front of him. He then, to the amazement of the medical students gathered in front of him proceeds to shove a finger into the cadavers anus, pulls the finger out, and then puts a finger into his mouth."To impress upon you how important this is, I will now require that all of you form a line, walk up to the cadaver, and then do precisely as I have just done. Any person who find themselves unwilling to attempt this will automatically fail the program. If you don't think that you can handle it, the door is over there". After a minute of shocked murmuring, the students make their decision. A handful head to the door but the large majority of them form a line and proceed to mimic their instructor.After the students have finished and sat down, the doctor continues with his speech. "The second thing that you must master is this: pay attention to each and every detail, let none escape your notice. Needless to say, all of you have a great deal of work to do in this. I am appalled that not a single, solitary one of you noticed that I stuck my index finger into the cadaver's rectum, but my*middle fingerinto my mouth".

Ahahahaha! That's freakin hilarious and Genius at that

[ZuluNiner]

The second thing that you must master is this: pay attention to each and every detail, let none escape your notice.

Particularly ironic since this was posted in a thread for military jokes. :D

[iamthesgt]

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech."In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two things" he says, scanning his eyes across the room."The first: you must be completely comfortable with anything on, in, or around the human body" and with this utterance dramatically whips the sheet off of a cadaver that has been laid face down on the table in front of him. He then, to the amazement of the medical students gathered in front of him proceeds to shove a finger into the cadavers anus, pulls the finger out, and then puts a finger into his mouth."To impress upon you how important this is, I will now require that all of you form a line, walk up to the cadaver, and then do precisely as I have just done. Any person who find themselves unwilling to attempt this will automatically fail the program. If you don't think that you can handle it, the door is over there". After a minute of shocked murmuring, the students make their decision. A handful head to the door but the large majority of them form a line and proceed to mimic their instructor.After the students have finished and sat down, the doctor continues with his speech. "The second thing that you must master is this: pay attention to each and every detail, let none escape your notice. Needless to say, all of you have a great deal of work to do in this. I am appalled that not a single, solitary one of you noticed that I stuck my index finger into the cadaver's rectum, but my*middle fingerinto my mouth".

And...another line makes its way towards the door.

[SSG_DrunkEagle]

the marine and navy joke had me rolling!:pound:

[Bull3tBait]

Just got this one at work. Pretty funny.

Even if you still have a few years before you would get drafted (this way). But given how much crankier one gets every year, it is probably a good idea!

Drafting Guys Over 60
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Rickety Rob]

hahahaha! Good find Bull3t. This gave me my morning laugh

[Specops03SS]

read this today
"My sister had her kindergarten class write to my nephew Nate and his marine buddies serving in afghanistan. Nate's favorite letter was this one:Dear Marine,thank you for being in the Army"


Put a smile on my face.

[ZuluNiner]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.



One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"


The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is an Army aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

[obtainedpilot]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.



One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"


The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is an Army aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."






Ahahahaha that had me laughing so hard lol

Sent from my HTC PH39100 using Tapatalk 2

[toby2533]

actually this is an old one but the Army and Marines are switched.

[jxspyder]

actually this is an old one but the Army and Marines are switched.

Only if you're a marine.......

: p

Sent from the muddy banks of the Wishkaw

[River_Rat_459]

Well, I searched these forums and couldnt find a thread for jokes or humor.... Hopefully I didnt miss it. So lets get this thread going with military related jokes/humor.

There's an old thread of jokes at the link below. There are only a couple of them in there that are military related, but a lot of funny ones nonetheless.

Some of you long-time members will see some very old names in that thread as well.

http://forums.usmilitarygamers.com/showthread.php?483-Post-Jokes-Here

[River_Rat_459]

Ah yes....the lines of communication!

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1209/what-have-here-failure-chain-command-demotivational-posters-1347649492.jpg

[toby2533]

My buddy sent me this, yes another Marine its funny, sorry to all my brother and sisters in the other services.

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; they can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' PowerPoint
presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but
close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

[iamthesgt]

Lol yes I've seen those. Too funny

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2

[obtainedpilot]

My buddy sent me this, yes another Marine its funny, sorry to all my brother and sisters in the other services.

Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; they can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' PowerPoint
presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but
close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Haha love it lol

Sent from my HTC PH39100 using Tapatalk 2

[Rickety Rob]

My buddy sent me this, yes another Marine its funny, sorry to all my brother and sisters in the other services.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; they can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.



So true lol. I'm guility of US Amry Rules

[iamthesgt]

So true lol. I'm guility of US Amry Rules

Lol that's funny. Are you guilty of US Army rules too?

[Rickety Rob]

Lol that's funny. Are you guilty of US Army rules too?

Indeed I am, as well as many of those who were or are still in the Army lol

[iamthesgt]

Indeed I am, as well as many of those who were or are still in the Army lol

-_- I don't think you got what I was saying...

[Rickety Rob]

-_- I don't think you got what I was saying...

Sigh! I do not. I guess i'm not tracking what you're saying quite well

[iamthesgt]

Sigh! I do not. I guess i'm not tracking what you're saying quite well

I was being an ass...you spelled Army wrong.:eek:

[Rickety Rob]

I was being an ass...you spelled Army wrong.:eek:

Ha! Right over my head.:doh: DUH!!!!! :der:

[toby2533]

the problem is Rickety has surf enough porn yet today, gave you a double doss in the chive thread now you can spell.

[Rickety Rob]

the problem is Rickety has surf enough porn yet today, gave you a double doss in the chive thread now you can spell.

Hahahaha! Porn...who watches those lol. Guilty as charged

[KopfeJager]

I love The Duffle bag....

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/09/airman-receives-award-for-his-bravery-stopping-green-on-blue-attack/

[iamthesgt]

I love The Duffle bag....

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/09/airman-receives-award-for-his-bravery-stopping-green-on-blue-attack/

Lol...sad thing is something like this could conceivably happen...

[KopfeJager]

I lost its with the Army dudes "comments"

[obtainedpilot]

I love The Duffle bag....

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/09/airman-receives-award-for-his-bravery-stopping-green-on-blue-attack/

Hahahahaha

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[River_Rat_459]

I love The Duffle bag....

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/09/airman-receives-award-for-his-bravery-stopping-green-on-blue-attack/

ROFL! Good one! LMAO!

[KaNtSt0PMeH]

As an AF NCO I support this message lol.

[iamthesgt]

As an AF NCO I support this message lol.

Maybe if he had better weapons that that crappy M-9...

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2

[jxspyder]

I lost its with the Army dudes "comments"

Yeah, that was fucking hilarious.

Sent from the muddy banks of the Wishkaw

[GriffinSentinel]

My buddy sent me this, yes another Marine its funny, sorry to all my brother and sisters in the other services.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' PowerPoint
presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict, but
close enough to have tax exemption.


Come on now. How can you think that of the Air Force? We don't adjust or AC units, we have units with auto settings. Program once and never touch them again. And if we have to we have an Airman Basic do it for us.

[iamthesgt]

Come on now. How can you think that of the Air Force? We don't adjust or AC units, we have units with auto settings. Program once and never touch them again. And if we have to we have an Airman Basic do it for us.

True that! Never let your job get in the way of comfort, that's our motto!

[Rickety Rob]

I love The Duffle bag....

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/09/airman-receives-award-for-his-bravery-stopping-green-on-blue-attack/

Ahahaha! Please tell me that was a fake story, cause if its for real. I'm seriously going to die of laughter right now :pound:

[iamthesgt]

Ahahaha! Please tell me that was a fake story, cause if its for real. I'm seriously going to die of laughter right now :pound:

Fairly sure it was not real...but I could see some people being that incompetent.

[Rickety Rob]

Fairly sure it was not real...but I could see some people being that incompetent.

That's was one well developed joke. I give props to the person who wrote that. Def gave me a good laugh

[MikaelTyson]

Clearly a joke but also hilarious. Knowing some of the AF NCO's that I do, it's tragically semi believable haha.

[MARDIGRA21]

Omg that shit was funny.

[KopfeJager]

Ahahaha! Please tell me that was a fake story, cause if its for real. I'm seriously going to die of laughter right now :pound:

The Duffle Bag is fake, but the stories are great. Its total entertainment!

[Rickety Rob]

The Duffle Bag is fake, but the stories are great. Its total entertainment!

I'm def going to add that website to my fav's and read more