Dealing with Acholic Parent?

[Ironhide400]

Alright, I will take a very long story, and make is as short as possible. My parents divorced when I was 8, and I lived with my Mom. She was always on the go, so my grandfather pretty much raised me. Eventually I moved out and got married. The moral of this part of the story is we are not close at all.

My mom is 63, and has never really been healthy because she doesn't take care of herself. Two weeks ago, she had to have a heart cath done because of blockage. She had been recovering and staying with my sister up until 2 days ago, when we decided she was strong enough to go home. She has always drank vodka as along as I have been alive, and apparently longer according to my dad. Unfortunately, she has been lying to us about how much though. Anyway, she swore she was not going to drink at all, because she didn't want to destroy any recovery she had made. Not to mention she is on blood thinners also.

I got a call Monday night saying my mom's roommate found her on the floor at home. She was coherent, but not herself. The ambulance came and took her to the hospital, so my wife and I met my sister there. They test her for a stroke and all, and they find nothing. They ran a blood tox and it was .30! :shock: I flipped out! I would be dead with .30. Even with her blood at .30, she was not passed out. She knew what day it was, president, anything you asked her!

She has said that she is going to get help, but I am besides myself. I haven't talked to her yet, but I am going to tell her that this is her one free pass with me. I will help her all I can to help herself, but if she starts drinking again, its over between her and I. She has done nothing but lie straight to my face and everyone else for that matter. I don't want to cut her out, but I will not suffer for the choices she has made.

So now that I got to vent all that out (btw,thanks for reading), my question is, has anyone else had similar situations with an alcoholic parent and how to deal with it?

[squidfamily1]

My dad drinks too much but we never had to hospitalize him. fortunately/unfortunately my whole family recovers from/is immune too most of the stuff that affects other people as far as the reprecussions of alcohol. He has quit and restarted several times. I'm at the point where you can't really tell him anything about it without him getting angry. So, we normally have a great time when we see him and when he drinks too much we just stop including him in the conversation or leave. This tends to keep his consumption constrained when we're around. It's also my experience, at least in my family, that people drink more as they get into middle age.
My whole family is from your neck of the woods too, so i honestly believe it is more prevalent in the midwest. I thought I could drink until I went to school up there and the girls were putting me under the table. At the least, you can take your mom as an example of how you need to moderate your drinking. I know that is one aspect of my father that i don't wish to emulate.

[justj12479]

Ironhide, I feel for you, and I'm very sorry for what you are going through. When I was a kid my father was a drinker, would come home from work and drink till he couldn't walk, for as long as I can remember. Fortunately for him, he hit rock bottom, when he became to drunk to defend himself against ME! My mother also threatened divorce him if something didn't change. That was when I was 15, he then began going to AA and has been going ever since Christmas Eve, 1994. Made me not want to drink at all as an adult, therefore I don't, I always the designated driver! He's a completely different person now, so much so that he has become an ordained priest and is currently in Haiti for 2 months helping rebuild from the earthquake. I know how you feel, and unfortunately someone who does not want to help themselves cannot be helped. Your mother has to want to live bad enough to give up somehthing she has been doing for longer than you have been alive. You have to make her understand that, and that you don't want to lose her. We're all here for you.

[toby2533]

Hi Ironhide400,
I can relate acholic's run in my family as bad as our heart diease. I dealt with it by going to the Marine's then going to college and moving away. My side just drink them until they die. Some have had to hit bottom then they realize all the crap they have done. I'm not the most sympahtic soul having worked years in ICU's, you become very cold that how you deal with all the misery and death in a hospital.

Sometimes a family talk will wake a close family member up. I hate to say most of the family that has seek help was after hitting bottom. Nothin like christmas memories of granfather falling into the tree or pucking at the table. My dad turned his drinking into smoking and now he has cancer he addicted to pain killers. This is another case were the family gets hurt more then the person who is doing it.

Since she just out of the hospital, see if she would want to commit to a prpgram in your area. We had to commit my mother in law after she got up to 4 to 5 bottle of vodka a day. Now she is head of AA where she lives.

Now watch your self it runs in the family(higher in Vets). I even have the gene, I have a hard time backing away from the bar and will not allow any whiskey in the house, my weakness. The thing that help me is having the kids aroundand you don't want them to remember you as a drunk. Look at AA and you might have to go to the meeting with her. I hope this helps but sometimes you have to let them hit bottom before they are willing to let you help.

[Ironhide400]

Thanks everyone for the guidance! Thankfully I never had a desire to drink, so that will not be an issue with me. On top of the fact I couldn't afford to even if I did want to.

Squid, it is ironic you say that about the midwest. All we have here are farms and bars, and thats about it. Almost everyone I know here has alcholics somewhere in their family?

The good news is my Mom is staying with my sister for awhile as she just got out of the hospital yesterday afternoon. My mom has been talking with a sponsor, and said she is willing to go to AA meetings when she gets her strength back. Her dr did give her meds for her uncontrollable shaking from withdrawal, and something else for the drinking? I haven't been able to talk much with my sister to find out what though.

My sister and I are planning on talking with her on a united front to tell her this has to stop. Hopefully with her and I together, on top of what has happened this will be her rock bottom?

[Ironhide400]

Just an update. My mom is seeing a counselor, and is going to AA. She finally did go back to work this week, and that has helped greatly. I don't deal well with family stress since they are all lazy and procrastinators. This has been an interesting, and tough couple months. I have learned alot, but it was the hard way.

On a side note, my mom is an alcoholic that drinks vodka. Apparently vodka is one of the worst in terms of harm to the body. Vodka contains a high amount of ethanol. My mom is having a problem that her body is not making enough blood, so she is having to get transfusions. The ethanol is toxic to bone marrow and is causing the problem. Luckily, it is reversible if she stops drinking.

[ladym123]

Sorry to hear about this problem Iron ...I'm a little late reading into this thread but yes AA and family support is the only route really Imo.

It is an ADDICTION at the end of the day. Tell her you will fully support her recovery every step of the way but if she falls off the wagon...you can't be around to watch that... but you will always love her regardless

Maybe she feels less needed than she did when you were kids and that it wouldn't make a difference to you anyway? Perhaps you should tell her 'Mom, I need you in my life as much as I ever did and I can't face what the future would be like without you' etc ...Words to that effect anyway?

I love my daughters and although I would never encroach on my eldest daughters independence....I do miss her needing me so much these days

[squidfamily1]

she was probably an alcoholic before all this lady. not fair to lay your mom guilt on Ironhide

[ladym123]

she was probably an alcoholic before all this lady. not fair to lay your mom guilt on Ironhide

I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty :shock:

Just trying to offer some insight maybe? Us mom's are very complex you know :roll:

[Ironhide400]

That's ok lady, I knew what you were trying to say. Unfortunately Squid is right, she has apparently been an alcoholic since her 20s. My mom and I have never been close, so the consequences I give her aren't of much concern to her. After my parents divorced, I lived with my mom, but she was never around. My grandfather raised me to who I am today.

Thanks for the woman's POV, but my mom is not even close to a "poster child" for moms.

[ladym123]

That's ok lady, I knew what you were trying to say. Unfortunately Squid is right, she has apparently been an alcoholic since her 20s. My mom and I have never been close, so the consequences I give her aren't of much concern to her. After my parents divorced, I lived with my mom, but she was never around. My grandfather raised me to who I am today.

Thanks for the woman's POV, but my mom is not even close to a "poster child" for moms.

Sorry to hear that Iron

As a self certified family therapist :mrgreen: justified by living with nutters my whole life and therefore gaining first hand, practical experience...anyway I always try to give a balanced and unbiased opinion with constructive advice, and constructive ideas to hep the situation.

[Ironhide400]

I finally have good news to update. My mom has gone to inpatient rehab! She has been there about 2 weeks and is doing 1000% better! The alcohol was causing the toxic effect on her bone marrow causing her body to not make enough blood. This has stabilized since she is sober. The one thing I am worried about is that she will relapse easy once she gets out because she is not a very strong willed person. Only time will tell, but for now she is doing great!

[justj12479]

I finally have good news to update. My mom has gone to inpatient rehab! She has been there about 2 weeks and is doing 1000% better! The alcohol was causing the toxic effect on her bone marrow causing her body to not make enough blood. This has stabilized since she is sober. The one thing I am worried about is that she will relapse easy once she gets out because she is not a very strong willed person. Only time will tell, but for now she is doing great!

She'll need an excellent support system (from family and friends), as well as an excellent sponsor for AA. Great news to hear!!

[River_Rat_459]

That's good news, Iron. Hopefully she'll get the support she needs.

[ladym123]

Yes great news iron I hope she can turn her life around!

[tracker_usmc]

Sorry I'm so late in reading this post Iron. My only experience with substance abuse in my family is my older brother. He has been on and off drugs since he was in High School and we haven't really talked (my choice) much for the past 10 years. I've learned you can't help someone until they are willing to help themselves. I'm glad your mother is doing better!

[Ironhide400]

Thanks Tracker! She has been home a week now, and so far so good. She has been going to her meetings as required. I have a feeling that when she needs the help, she won't ask for it. I have brought this up to her many times, but in the end she still has major issues that she has yet to deal with.

[ladym123]

Thanks Tracker! She has been home a week now, and so far so good. She has been going to her meetings as required. I have a feeling that when she needs the help, she won't ask for it. I have brought this up to her many times, but in the end she still has major issues that she has yet to deal with.

Oh wow kudos to your mom for kicking the booze Iron!

She has to really want to stay off it now though to conquer it.

I am 5 weeks cigarette free today...and it's actually getting more difficult now that my resolve is wearing off

Addiction to anything is hard to conquer

[Ironhide400]

Thanks Lady! Stick with the smoke free! My wife kicked it after 10yrs. She was moody as all hell, and gained alot of weight. Now that she is working out, and losing weight, she is MUCH happier! She never regrets stopping smoking!

[ladym123]

Thanks Lady! Stick with the smoke free! My wife kicked it after 10yrs. She was moody as all hell, and gained alot of weight. Now that she is working out, and losing weight, she is MUCH happier! She never regrets stopping smoking!

Yeah the weight gain is a key factor in going back to it every bloody time! No matter how much exercise or healthy eating I try and do it never seems to work

I just have to try not to let it bother me so much in the future. It is more important not to smoke I suppose

[Ironhide400]

Great News! My mom got her 6 month coin for staying clean! We are very proud, especially since she has been drinking her WHOLE life. Her counselors were worried about a relapse, but none so far. She has been going to all her meetings and doing great!

[ladym123]

Great News! My mom got her 6 month coin for staying clean! We are very proud, especially since she has been drinking her WHOLE life. Her counselors were worried about a relapse, but none so far. She has been going to all her meetings and doing great!

Great news Iron! I hope she stays strong... without too much effort...it's so tough Iron and she is fantastic for getting this far!

[River_Rat_459]

Fantastic news, bro! I'm very happy for you and your mother. Keep standing by her! She will always need support for days to come.

[David_3033]

This is great news bro! Keep supporting her because I am sure she will need it.

[tracker_usmc]

Great news Iron!