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Thread: Post Jokes Here

  1. #1
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    Post Jokes Here

    A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'


    The parrot says, 'I was born this way..

    I'm a defective parrot.'


    'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'


    'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

    'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'


    'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'


    'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

    'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology... You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'


    The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.... 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

    'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

    The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

    Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational....

    He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.


    One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

    'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.


    'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'


    'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

    'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

    'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'


    'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

    Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

    'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

  2. #2
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    Re: Defective Parrot

    Long read, great ending! Keep the jokes coming in THIS thread.

  3. #3
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Mom and dad go home and start a little role playing , dad the teacher mom the cheerleader and boom they go at it.Few minutes later their son hears noise coming from the room so he opens the door and sees mom and dad bumping uglys ,dad turns around and starts laughing and says son go to your room. So he runs to his room and closes the door.A few minutes later mom and dad are done.Dad is cleaning up and from the bathroom he hears noise from his kids room he opens the door and there's his son bumping uglys with grandma .....Dad says son what are you doing ! Son turns around and says not so funny when someone is f#@king your mom. :twisted:

  4. #4
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dressís quickly and goes to find him.

    Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

    The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

    "Youíre wasting your time," sayís Little Johnny.

    "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

    "Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."


  5. #5
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
    The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.


    'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
    'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
    'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.


    And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
    'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.
    'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
    'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.


    'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.


    After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...


    'They blow up so fast don't they?

  6. #6
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    - To get to the other side! :mrgreen:
    "Necessity is the plea of every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves"

    William Pitt, 1783



  7. #7
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Why did Timmy cross the road?
    He had his dick stuck in a chicken!

  8. #8
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Titan__38
    Why did Timmy cross the road?
    He had his dick stuck in a chicken!
    Why did Titan follow me?
    He wanted the chicken when I was done. :mrgreen:

    Signature thanks to jgreco138

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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    [quote=Timmy_2_Tones]
    Quote Originally Posted by "Titan__38":96tut1kv
    Why did Timmy cross the road?
    He had his dick stuck in a chicken!
    Why did Titan follow me?
    He wanted the chicken when I was done. :mrgreen:[/quote:96tut1kv]

    Now who is to say that you were the Timmy he was talking about? He just said Timmy not Timmy_2_Tones, could have meant someone else named Timmy. But obviously it was you since your admission to guilt as seen above .

  10. #10
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    [quote=DaCajun]
    Quote Originally Posted by Timmy_2_Tones
    Quote Originally Posted by "Titan__38":2v25npvw
    Why did Timmy cross the road?
    He had his dick stuck in a chicken!
    Why did Titan follow me?
    He wanted the chicken when I was done. :mrgreen:
    Now who is to say that you were the Timmy he was talking about? He just said Timmy not Timmy_2_Tones, could have meant someone else named Timmy. But obviously it was you since your admission to guilt as seen above .[/quote:2v25npvw]
    I never lie when it comes to Chicken Fucking!!!

    Signature thanks to jgreco138

  11. #11
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    And then the fights started...

    I had these on an old e-mail account that it took me forever to find. I know these are elsewhere on the internet, but here's what I have. ENJOY!
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And then the fight started....

    ****************************

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    ****************************

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
    couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

    So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

    And then the fight started.....

    ****************************

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
    wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started....

    ****************************

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....

    Indecision may or may not be my problem.

  12. #12
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    holy shit, how many points did you get for that one?

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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    River Rat just got 3k points for that post. LOL Dude, that's just insane, but i read it all and a lot of those where pretty funny.


  14. #14
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    I had these on an old e-mail account that it took me forever to find. I know these are elsewhere on the internet, but here's what I have. ENJOY!
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And then the fight started....

    ****************************

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    ****************************

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
    couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

    So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

    And then the fight started.....

    ****************************

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
    wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started....

    ****************************

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    ****************************

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....
    "Necessity is the plea of every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves"

    William Pitt, 1783



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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    426.30 points. Feel free to take them back if you want. I just wanted to see how many points that was really worth. I'm guessing that's why Sav did it too. LOL


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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    I deleted your duplicate post of saviger's post above and it took the money away but you had already placed it in your bank so now you have a minus to work off from cash in hand.

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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Quote Originally Posted by DaCajun
    I deleted your duplicate post of saviger's post above and it took the money away but you had already placed it in your bank so now you have a minus to work off from cash in hand.
    HAHAHA awesome, thanx man. I kinda felt like I was cheating the system with that post. Now I feel much better... Why does nobody ever get on Chat anymore? Until then I guess I'll post here instead of typing in chat box. LOL plus, what are these points for exactly?


  18. #18
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    warm and fuzzies 8-)
    "Necessity is the plea of every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants, it is the creed of slaves"

    William Pitt, 1783



  19. #19
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Quote Originally Posted by ASignorelli
    Quote Originally Posted by DaCajun
    I deleted your duplicate post of saviger's post above and it took the money away but you had already placed it in your bank so now you have a minus to work off from cash in hand.
    HAHAHA awesome, thanx man. I kinda felt like I was cheating the system with that post. Now I feel much better... Why does nobody ever get on Chat anymore? Until then I guess I'll post here instead of typing in chat box. LOL plus, what are these points for exactly?

    I heard something once about a prize for the first person to reach a certain point balance but I can find what that amount was anymore.

  20. #20
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    Re: Post Jokes Here

    viewtopic.php?f=24&t=860

    here was the thread where TLoG talks about a prize for the first to reach 100K

    Gaming is staying up 'til 3am to earn a trophy that isn't real.......BUT IS

  21. #21
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    E-mail Paranoia

    My sister forwarded this e-mail to me. I thought it was a pretty f'n funny sarcastic look at how paranoid people get. -Rat

    I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I canít use the remote in a hotel room because I donít know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

    I canít sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking oneís nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresaís Novena has granted my every wish.

    I canít have a drink in a bar because Iíll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I canít eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ĎUnder Godí on their cans.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canít boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

    I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

    I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

    I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second husbandís cousinís best friendís beautician . . .

    Oh, by the way.....

    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

    Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late.

    PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

    Indecision may or may not be my problem.

  22. #22
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    Clean Jokes about Marriage

    1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
    She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

    2. We also sleep in separate beds.
    Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

    3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

    4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested the kitchen.

    5. We always hold hands.
    If I let go, she shops.

    6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
    She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

    7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
    I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

    8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
    Then the mud fell off.

    9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?"
    The driver said "No, jump in!"

    10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

    11. I married Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
    I don't like to interrupt her.

    13. The last fight was my fault.
    My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
    I said "Dust!"

    Indecision may or may not be my problem.

  23. #23
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    Truisms

    1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

    2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

    4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

    5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

    6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

    7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

    8. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

    9. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

    10. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

    11. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

    12. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

    13. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

    14. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

    15. Bumper sticker: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

    Indecision may or may not be my problem.

  24. #24
    USMG Beer & Boob Judge
    River_Rat_459's Avatar
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    Ways to Keep Your Insanity Level Healthy

    1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
    3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.
    4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
    5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
    6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."
    7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
    8. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
    9. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
    10. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
    11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
    12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
    13. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
    14. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
    15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

    -Credit: E-mail from a friend of mine.

    Indecision may or may not be my problem.

  25. #25
    BANNED
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    MA
    Posts
    533

    Re: Post Jokes Here

    Damn look at the point whoring above.

    Some good one liners up there though.

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