The EPIC USMG Yarn

[Pakman3000]

Add a sentence to the story to keep it going. End your post with and ellipsis(...). Let's see where this puppy leads. Don't disrupt the flow and refrain from editing unless it disrupts the flow. Also, don't worry about voice or try to be an English professor. I'll start:

Johnny was just your average teenager who pondered what could be as he lumbered through the mean city streets. He hears a loud bang and turns the corner to find...

[Ironhide400]

a helpless woman who is being chased by 2 guys. The poor woman was so exhausted that she ran into the side of a dumpster. Johnny, unfortunately is a selfish teenager who is a member of the Cobra Kai. After a brief flashback to his fight with Daniel.........

[A-25TH-ID-VET]

and all the Army Special Forces training that Sensei Kreese taught him. Johnny then got a sudden burst of adrenaline and runs to the aide of the women. He noticed that the womens clothing was tore and that she was bleeding from a few cuts ......

[XxSilentxFartxX]

And he couldn't resist his sparkly vampire urges and thirst for blood, so he called up his good wolf friend froto and froto told him to...

[Pakman3000]

cut the bullshit and WATCH OUT! Johnny dodged the dropkick in the nick of time and swept the leg of one of the assailants. He thanked God for imaginiary friends...

[ASignorelli]

And suddenly dies of a heart attack...

[Pakman3000]

from the sheer awesomeness of seeing that the woman he helped is Jessica Alba. Lucky for him she knows CPR and resucitates Johnny. Johnny comes to in a hospital bed which is surrounded by...

[David_3033]

Crying and farting old ladies who give Johnny a big...

[hot_karl]

hot karl, after vomiting for a while he...

[Pakman3000]

stumbles into the hall with the back of his gown flapping open. He realizes he has nothing on underneath. Just then a hot nurse rounds the corner...

[Ironhide400]

and starts laughing at the Sver tattoo on his right cheek. He makes her swear to The Lord our God not to tell anyone. Just as she agrees, he lets a Silent Fart........

[Pakman3000]

out which draws her to him like one of those Axe bodywash commercials. More and more patients scramble to him as they get whifs of the aroma and...

[MaximusR3]

start clinging to his legs, latching on his arms, wrapping around his waist, and pulling him down. Suddenly out of nowhere Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the mass of mindless patients. Bodies fly in every direction as Johnny gasps for breath. Chuck picks him up and says...

[A-25TH-ID-VET]

"Johnny my young lad, You haven't been using your Total Gym I gave you lately." "Have You"? ......

[David_3033]

No I haven't had time because I have been to busy catching up on my Texas Ranger episodes...

[Pakman3000]

This answer pleases Chuck. He releases John who then recovers his clothes and returns home. John sees his front door ajar and opens it to find...

[Simmion_1]

Bob saget, painting the walls with the blood of johnnys enemies...

[Pakman3000]

John asks Bob Saget with the utmost sincerity, "What is this?!". Bob promptly replies,"The Aristocrats!" John then...

[MaximusR3]

was confused and still a little shocked by this very strange act. "......why?" he asked, in a very puzzled tone. Bob seemed annoyed at this point, being interrupted in his painting yet again. "because Bob Ross was not available to do it, because he is.....

[Timmy_2_Tones]

In the Caribbean, playing hop scotch."
Johnny, now emotionally distraught by the actions of Mr. Saget, and the knowledge of Mr. Ross playing hop scotch, turns to run out the door, strips his clothes off and run through the streets naked. Screaming "Why did you do this to me god?" Suddenly he hears tires screeching and sees.....

[A-25TH-ID-VET]

a pimped out Fed Ex truck. The truck comes to a halt and some guy hops out with what appears to be the future battle armour. The guy raises a state of the art weapon to his shoulder and starts unloading into the tops of the trees. Then all of a sudden Johnny hears the guys yelling "Die Mother F'ers Die". Johnny then begins to........

[River_Rat_459]

draw back his hands as if to produce a fireball, ala Street Fighter characters. He releases the fireball with such ferocity that the enemies soon find themselves...

[Pakman3000]

engulfed in flames cuz that's what happens when you get hit by a motherfucking fireball! With enemies defeated Johnny returns to the pimped out truck to find...

[River_Rat_459]

two tickets to Margaritaville on the front seat. Johnny decides to go get his woman to take with him, but not before he...

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Drinks a 12 pack of Budweiser, now completely inebriated, he decides to....

[Pakman3000]

drive drunk. He get's to his pimped out car and sees Xzibit who tells him"Yo dawg, I hear you like to drive while you're drunk so we put a giant straw and keg in yo trunk so you can get drunk while you drive!" johnny snatches the keys and...

[River_Rat_459]

speeds off to his woman's house. But he remember that his "woman" is this psycho:
[youtube:jjwu7eau]aGcir8GzvKE[/youtube:jjwu7eau]

So then Johnny decides to...

[Ironhide400]

go by Stiffler's lake house, and pick up his Mom to take with him. As he is driving to the lake, he makes a horrible discovery, Xzibit filled his keg with gin and juice! He pulls over to dump out the keg, when......

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Out of nowhere, Pee-Wee Herman jumps out of the bushes wearing a trench coat, and flashes Johnny. Johnny instantly grabs his....

[tracker_usmc]

His pimp stick and hits Pee-Wee upside his head and says "I know you are but what am I...Biaaaatch!" Johnny then jumps on Pee-Wee's bike and...

[Pakman3000]

thinks he's gotten away. Pee-Wee pushes a button on his watch that engages the ejection seat. Johnny is propelled waaaaaaaaay into the air and lands...

[Ironhide400]

in the back of a dump truck that is headed to Las Vages. He goes to jump out, but the truck is moving to fast. All Johnny can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. After an hour or so, the truck reaches the outskirts of Vegas. The truck comes to a stop light and Johnny jumps out of the truck. He quickly finds himself......

[Timmy_2_Tones]

A car, he sees one abandoned across the street so he walks over to it and opens the door. Johnny can amazingly hot-wire the car, and so he speeds off into the heart of Las Vegas. While driving Johnny notices a briefcase in the car and reaches over to grab it when...

[River_Rat_459]

out of the briefcase pops an inflatable "love" doll. Johnny decides to name her, but thinks long and hard about the name. Eventually he settles on the name...

[MaximusR3]

"Ivanna Humpalot" yes, he thought, that is a fine name for her. He could not stop looking at his new inflatable mate. "She is beautiful" he kept telling himself "how did i get so lucky to score such a fox?" Cruising down the strip, all the lights, the sounds, he nearly forgot the hectic insanity that has taken place the last few days. His worries just melted away and it was all about him and Ivanna. On his right, Johnny see's a building that catches his eye, the "lil' white wedding chapel" and knows what he wants to do as he smiles at Ivanna....

[A-25TH-ID-VET]

and says "Ivanna, will you marry me?" Johnny leans toward Ivanna and cups his ear as if to listen for her reply. He then says "YES...I knew you where the women for me" Johnny then pulls up to the Chapel and rushes out of the vehicle to open the door for his bride. Johnny opens the door and reaches in to grab Ivanna and start to proceed to the Chapel steps. All of a sudden the vehicle door slams shut and Johnny notices that Ivanna's feet where slammed in the door. He opens the door and hear's the sound of air rushing from Ivanna's feet. Johnny then falls to the ground with tears in is eyes holding Ivanna tightly. He yells out "I need a Medic here" Just then comes along a guy with some duct tape. This guy is a clean cut dude and was very willing to help Johnny. After the tape was placed on Ivanna's wound Johnny stuck out his hand and say's "Thanks you Mister what is your name and how could I repay you"? The guy replies to Johnny " They call me River Rat and I sure could use a beer and a shot of Jägermeister". So Johnny replies "I can help you out but can I ask one more favor from you"? You see "Ivanna and I where just about to head into this Chapel to be married". "We would be honored if you would stand up with us." So, Johnny, Ivanna and River Rat head into the Chapel. After a few minutes they return to the street and Johnny says to River "Now for that beer and Jägermeister" They look across the street and see some neon signs with a sign saying Slippery Dicks HalfWay Inn Pub. So, they head across the street and.....

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Begun to torture their livers with the sweet nectar. After hours of drinking an celebrating, Johnny needs to use the rest room facilities, leaving his new bride in the care of River. Now, the fact that Johnny and River are completely plastered and Ivanna is completely "plastic", a jealous fit of rage takes over Johnny. Johnny acuses River of airing up his wife while he was in the restroom, River denies this. Johny then smashes a bottle and instead of attacking River, Johnny stabs Ivanna in the heart and screams, "That's for tearing my heart out." Johny now realising what he has done starts to scream and falls to the floor bawling. After a few minutes he reaches into his bag and pulls out a.....

[ASignorelli]

New doll he can have "enjoyment" with! He laughed as he forgot he had another. So he blows her up, walk to the casino floor, and starts playing some blackjack, when someone asks who that lovely young lady is sitting next to him. He replies...

[River_Rat_459]

Kimona Wanalaya. We're having a blast! Join us, won't you? By the way...who are you?...

[Ironhide400]

The name is Spitzer, Eliot Spitzer. She looks just like a woman I bought....I mean, dated the other night! Same glaring eyes too. If you don't mind, I would like to buy you two some drinks. I will put it on my business account. As they start to drink their Miller Lite and play some blackjack.....

[ASignorelli]

They watch the NFL draft LIVE on the ESPN teleprompter. Spitz says I bet you $2,000 that the #1 pick will be...

[Pakman3000]

Jimmy Clausen because it reminds me of my favorite pickles. I eat them because I can't stand Vlasic. Talking storks freak me out. My doctor says I have storkophobia and...

[MaximusR3]

after i got busted for going on a stork sniping frenzy i was ordered never to be within 2 miles of a known stork nest again. Just then they heard a loud commotion behind them. They turned just in time to see a 20 foot tall....

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Midget, carrying a baby rattle and a buick. Johny, so confused by what he was seeing, dropped his new blow up toy in the floor, and shrieked like a little girl. Eliot and river looked at each other and decided they were getting the hell out of there, leaving a shrieking Johnny all alone. Then the midget heard johny and.....

[ASignorelli]

Shrunk down to his original size of 3' 8". Johnny asked him WTF? and the midget said he'd just taken some stuff that make him up to 6x larger, that he got from an infomercial. Luckaly, he had some more, and asked if John boy wanted to try some. Johnny said...

[Timmy_2_Tones]

hell yes, so johnny took the growth hormone and instantly exploded to the massive height of 72 feet tall. Unfortunately johnny was inside when this happened and he blew through the roof of the bar, causing the bar to collapse around him killing the generous midget. Then.....

[ASignorelli]

The police where called on site, and didn't have enough hand-cuffs to cuff him. It didn't matter though, cause he ran away at an alarming 158 mph, crushing a tenth of the Vegas strip. All the sudden his growth wore off 2 hours later and...

[River_Rat_459]

Johnny noticed that his "johnny and the twins" were still larger than normal. Johnny smiled to himself and headed straight for the Bunny Ranch. Once he got there...

[ASignorelli]

The bunnies paid HIM for a ride. After he was a side show there, and earned a whopping $400k, and realized the cops wont be looking for him anymore he head out to...

[A-25TH-ID-VET]

the Playboy Mansion. Johnny figured, What the hell he made that much money a the Bunny Ranch off the chics to ride his pole. So, he figured that Heff was getting old and that maybe he could take over the Mansion. Johnny finally reaches the Mansion after a LONG road march and........

[Timmy_2_Tones]

He found the playboy mansion aflame, the horrendous site of silicone on fire and playboy models lying on the ground all crispy made Johnny shriek like a girl. Johnny now realizing that his dreams had been crushed and he was now nothing but a freak, decided to cut off his extremely large package and dispose of it in the fire. After he finished with his self mutilation he.....

[ASignorelli]

Stuck the giant wang into his pocket, and figured he could sell it on the black market later on. After he got all patched up, and almost bled out...

[River_Rat_459]

figured he'd catch some sports. So he headed out to LA, hoping to catch the Lakers in the playoffs or a regular season Dodgers game. But since Los Angeles was the second largest city in the country, he figured he'd take in some of the sights along before the games. Lo and behold, once he arrived in Los Angeles, he was greeted by Governor Arnold Schwarznegger, who said...

[Ironhide400]

"you haven't been using your Total Gym, have you"? After Johnny pimp slaps Arnold and runs away like a little biatch, he suddenly realizes that Arnold will be back. All of a sudden, the ground starts to shake.....

[Pakman3000]

and a naked Arnold stands before him with electricity and shit crackling around him. This new naked Arnold stretches out his hand and says "Come with me if you want to live." Johnny is bewildered and follows this T800 to...

[River_Rat_459]

Hawaii, where they meet up with Dog the Bounty Hunter. Dog and Beth then proceed to redo Johnny's hair so that it looks just like Dog's. Dog tell the duo that they are off to Alaska so they can...

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Find The abominable snowman, he is suspect in the murder of Sarah Palin. He skipped bail yesterday and so Dog has to go get him. Johny and Arnold decide to go with them an board the plane. Upon arrival in Alaska.....

[ASignorelli]

They met up with some native eskimos. Luckily Johnny knew how to speak eskimoian. He asked them where he and dog could find Mr. Abominable, They pointed at Sarah Palin's house. Johnny then ...

[Ironhide400]

totally freaked out because he realized that his wang fell out of his pocket on the plane! Luckily, he had his cell phone and called the airline, someone had put it in a lost and found box. After Johnny regained his composure, it was off to the Palin house. As they walked onto the front porch, Dog suddenly.....

[MaximusR3]

...turned to Johnny and said "I...I have to tell you something. I need to get this off my chest" Johnny was puzzled and a little concerned because Dog had a very odd tone to his voice, one you wouldn't normally hear from a tough guy such as Dog. "I'm a phony!" Dog blurted out. "it's all a ruse, i'm not a tough guy at all. I'm just a pathetic little loser douche bag. These muscles aren't even real" and with that he reached into his armpit and pulled on a plug, letting all the air come out of his false body. All that was left was a little shrimpy guy with a huge head. Turns out all Dog was is a huge head and nothing else, which somehow was no surprise to Johnny. "And now, i have to leave because i am too afraid to go on, sorry for being such a loser but usually the camera crew is with me on these things and they use clever camera tricks to make me look tougher than i really am" Dog exclaimed as he turned tail and ran away. Johnny Knew that he had to press on though, Just because Dog was a coward does not mean he is too. He reached for the door and it pushed open, unlocked and the frame broken. He stepped inside.....

[Simmion_1]

To witness the abominable snow man painting the walls with the blood of the palin family, wearing a tie dye t-shirt and one of those fake dredlock wigs... he turned towards johnny, bloody paint brush and one hand, 4 foot tall glass bong in the other and said..

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Finally you show up, where is your wig?......

[Ironhide400]

Suddenly Johnny realizes that it is Bob Sagget dressed up as the abominable snowman. Bob's career was going down the drain with AFHV, so he thought he could stage something to bring him back on top. Johnny is furious that he came all the way to Alaska to find out that the snowman was Bob and.....

[River_Rat_459]

commenced to reattach his schlong with a new, robotic version. This newer version had a unique feature that allowed him to piss flames as far as he could normally send his urine. It also made for a handy way to sanitize himself in the event he hooked up with a gal who might give him the clap or some other such venereal disease (but I digress). With that, Johnny pissed fire all over tbe abominable snowman, reducing him to a puddle of uselessness. Johnny felt like he had done the world a huge favor. He then decided he needed another challenge. He would seek out a new adventure, but not before he...

[Simmion_1]

... got the olsen twins' phone number out of the abomnidable sagets wallet, triumphantly johnny exited the residence only to remember his companion, schwartzenegger, waiting outside for him, johnny looked at the governator and said...

[Pakman3000]

"I got dibs on Ashley, you get Mary Kate. Or do I get Mary Kate and you get Ashley??? We'll Figure it out when we get there." The still naked terminator explains to Johnny, "I did not come back in time for this. The reason I am here is to..."

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Destroy you"... Johnny then realizes his true destiny in life is to cower into a ball in the gutter and sob like a little girl.... So that he does. Then Arnold tells him "Stop being a little bitch and use the Schwartz to defeat me." Johnny then.....

[Ironhide400]

remembers of his flower power. He jumps up and creates a fireball and throws it at Arnold. Arnold jumps out of the way and says "it that all you got you Mario wanna-be?". Johnny realizes that Arnold is naked and they are standing on a frozen lake. Johnny whips out his pimp stick and slams it into the ice. The ice starts to crack......

[Pakman3000]

and Johnny yells, "You shall...not...PASS!". The Terminator is blinded by a flash of light and a little skin is ripped off exposing his cybernetic endoskeleton. The Terminator reroutes power and says that John's identity is confirmed. He makes Johnny feel like a fool when he asks him why would he kill him after saving him and hanging out with him most of the night. The Terminator can confidently reveal his mission to Johnny. He was sent back in order to...

[Ironhide400]

try and stop the creation of the DILF band. In the near future, Johnny is to become a great drummer, who is to form the band to end all bands. Their music will revolutionize the world. The world will unite to sing, drink, and have fun. This will create global chaos as everyone will be too drunk to work. At this point Johnny knows that he must......

[Pakman3000]

find a vet of the 25th ID, but one does not simply walk into Watkins Glen, NY. He'd have to figure out a way to accomplish this task. A lightbulb immediately went off and Johnny realized that he must...

[ASignorelli]

piss his pants, then...

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Cut the Vet's hands off so that he may never have the opportunity to play music. So he finds a large blade and sets up a Guillotine like contraption, using his teeth to trigger the device. *SWOOSH* Hands are gone. luckily Johnny had already set up a flame thrower on the blade so that it instantly Cauterized the stumps. Then Johnny....

[ASignorelli]

ate 4 whole banana cream pies in less than 1 hour because...

[River_Rat_459]

he could. Later...

[River_Rat_459]

he returned from his overdue trip to waste away in Margaritaville, having found his lost shaker of salt. Some people thought there was a woman to blame, but Johnny knew it was his own damn fault. As he checked his mail, he found a letter that stated he had been accepted to the Max-Cajun School of Ninjitsu and Curmudgeonry. He still had plans to go hear DILF perform, and figured he was in a for a hell of a night of rocking and drinking courtesy of the 25th Infantry Division's Vet (who he just called 25th) and his badass band. So Johnny packed his bags for his weekend o' fun and then to school. As he arrived at the club DILF was playing at, his cell phone rang...

[ASignorelli]

When he answered, he was sucked into the phone. Morphious appeared, and asked him if Johnny knew who he was, and that an evil spy who looked like the Terminator / Dog the bounty hunter / super midget / bob saget was following him.. He pondered for a second, and said yes. "Okay then take this blue pill" Morphious said. So then Johnny grabbed the blue pill and...

[MaximusR3]

swallowed it, fully trusting this man he had just barely met. Everything turned hazy around him, the sound of Morpheus' voice fading out to a gentle mumble as everything goes blank....

Johnny jolted up. He was freezing. he was laying down. He was in a bathtub filled with ice. It looked to be a run down abandoned projects apartment somewhere, his eye sight was blurry and his mind cloudy and full of confusion. Slowly things come into focus as he looks back and forth, straining to remember where he is and why. There was a broken sink next to the tub, fixtures long since corroded off and rust stains running the hole that once held a faucet. Upon the sink he noticed a small white envelope, it stood out as the only thing in the room that wasn't filthy and falling apart. It had something written on it and as it slowly came into focus he realized it was his name scribbled onto the front. He reached up and grabbed it, praying that it would answer some of the questions racing through his mind. The letter inside was not what he was hoping for, it was quite the opposite actually. It read:



-The Max-Cajun School of Ninjitsu and Curmudgeonry-






Your training starts.....now







the letter turned to dust in his hands as he heard the creak of a floor board.....

[ASignorelli]

He looked up and saw his training partner. "This is Sig" Morpheous told Johnny. "He'll be training with you in all forms of martial arts, and weaponry. He's the best we got." Of course Sig kicked his ass for the first couple weeks, in a montage, but Johnny soon became just as good, if not better. Able to start slowing down time. Eventually when the training was done, Morpheous told Johnny and Sig they had a mission, and must go into the "system". There mission was to...

[Ironhide400]

try and stop the Legion of Doom. Lex has been all over the globe infecting all the weapons guidance systems with a virus. This way he can control them from a central super computer that nobody knows the location of. The super computer can be stopped by a destruction disk that Lex's 1st in command keeps with him at all times. River Rat is a highly skilled opponent who has been trained by the finest fighters in the world. Johnny realizes that he met River in Vegas and is very worried. On top of that, the disk is secured on River by a high tech system that TLOG Industries created. The duo is going to need every bit of their training to secure the disk. As the enter the "system".....

[Ironhide400]

the duo is suddenly recalled. Apparently Neo has been located, so the duo's services are not needed at this point in time, but Johnny and River will cross path's again.
Johnny decides to make his way home to visit with his Mom, whom he misses dearly. His father passed away in an accident a couple of years ago. On the long flight home, Johnny starts to think back to the day when he was just a small kid. His father........

[ASignorelli]

was juggling chainsaws at the local fair, when he cut his arm clean off. They kept him from bleeding out, but his arm was lost forever. Johnny's dad was also an avid tree climber, and one day Johnny stepped outside to see his dad was able to climb the tallest tree in the neighborhood, even after his freak accident. Johnny waved at him, his dad waved back, not realizing he had only 1 arm, and plummeted to his death. Johnny swore to never wave at another person for as long as he lived. *Ding* "Please fasten all seat belts, and lock your trays in the upright position, and prepare for landing, and welcome back to wonderful..."

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Baghdad." Johnny then realizing that he got on the wrong plane starts to get very nervous. He starts to panic because he is now in the middle of a war zone. The plane comes down fast and hard pulling Evasive Maneuvers attempting to stay out of the sights of any S.A.M.'s. Johnny feeling very nauseas now on the Tar-Mac at Baghdad International Airport, starts to feel overwhelmed by the extreme heat pounding on his face, and the sound of distant Gun Fire. Johnny turns and starts running back to the plane only to find that.......

[MaximusR3]

... thieves have stolen the rims and the plane is sitting on cinder blocks, clearly no longer in flying condition. He is stuck, he has to figure out another plan to get out of there alive. Just then he sees a large tour bus pull up as a group of people load out of a small jet. He starts running toward them, hoping to somehow convince them to let him ride the plane back home.

Pot hole

Johnny trips and hits his head on a luggage car on his way down. He comes to and several people are standing over him, asking if he is alright. "you went down pretty hard there fella" said one man "back up, give the kid some air" said another. Several people are there, helping him to his feet.

"Where....where am I?" he asked. His mind was completely blank, he couldn't remember anything that had taken place recently and no clue what he was doing or where he was. "Don't worry, it will come back to you soon enough, why don't you catch a ride with us in the meantime?"

sounded like a good plan, and it didn't seem like there were any better plans available anyhow. They boarded the bus and as he walked to the door he read on the side:

"DILF"

"you're in luck kid, we just started on our next leg of our world tour" said one of the men. Johnny looked down and saw that he had 2 metal hands. "don't worry bout those, i'm the singer so i don't need them so long as i can hold a beer in there.." the man said. "sure do wish i could remember what happened to these though. blacked out after they got lobbed off and can't remember a thing..."

Just then....

[ASignorelli]

He got reminded of his dad's freak accident and ran to the nearest DFAC crying hysterically. He gathered himself, ate (Since he hadn't eaten in DAYS), and the got some lodging in the local CHUs. While sleeping, a loud boom followed by a siren woke Johnny up. "CRAP! am I ever gonna get some sleep?" he thought. Just then, his room mate came back from a mission, and asked who he was. "I'm Johnny . . ." The other guy looked confused and said, alright whatever, I'm going to sleep. Johnny did too. When he woke up, he was back at the Max-Cajun school! "You FAILED!" Morpheous said. I can't believe I thought you'd be good at this. "Take the red pill and you'll forget everything in the past couple weeks, all the way back to when you first arrived in Vegas." He took the pill ans swallowed it. When he woke up he forgot everything just like Morpheous said, and woke up in a casino room. I don't remember getting a room at the...

[Eahkavlar]

bum fuck motel. A backwaters red neck penny casino in the middle of no where. Only problem was that Johnny didn't wake up in his room. Instead he awoke on the casino floor, which shared the same and only room with the bar, pantless with way too many big trucker men smiling. Suddenly one man stepped off his tool, walked over to johnny, leaned real close and....

[Timmy_2_Tones]

said. "My name is Indigo Montoya, You killed my father now prepare to die!" Johnny jumped to his feet revealing his shiny metallic gadget hanging between his legs, suddenly Indigo felt a sudden rush of heat starting around his feet. He looks down to see Johnny urinating fire at his feet, Indigo now aflame starts screaming and runs through the Saloon door and lands head first into a horse trough. Johnny walks outside to find that not only has he awoken to no memory, but, he is in Carson City, Nevada. The year is 1874 and Johnny is realizing now that the men inside the bar are not truckers they are Cowboy's. Johnny Bewildered by the news......

[sakata101]

Gets a hard smack to the back of the head. SO hard he lip skids across the dirt road. Johnny gets up and turn quickly to see his attacker is Clint Eastwood. Clint tells him to put it away before he burns down the city. Clint throws johnny a unlit half chewed cigar and says...

[Pakman3000]

"Looks like you got pulled into the same timewarp. Thank god I acted in those westerns so I know how to fit in around here." Johnny tells Clint all that has happened to him up to this point. Clint is so moved that he vows to help Johnny get back to the very start of this mess to keep it from happening. Johnny is overwhelmed and...

[Eahkavlar]

Opens his eyes for the first time years. Having just awoken from a century long pickel induced coma, Johnny breaks into a cold sweat from the horriable dreams he had so vividly seemed to experience. With family finially at his side, the pickel cancer finally shutting down his heart, and a tear in his eye; Johnny holds the hand of one of his many great grand children that he has never seen before and on his death bed vows with his last breath....

[ASignorelli]

Watch out! It's Chuck Norris! Chuck then round house kicks him back into his comma, where he picks back up his dreams. He's back in the western, and sees the back to the future train and starts running to it. He trips over a couple tumble weeds, as he sees it start up and then start moving. He's got to reach it before it hits 84 MPH. Just then, Chuck Norris jumps out behind a building and round house kicks him in the face sending him even further back in time to 1776, where he came across a man by the name of...

(Lets kill him at post 100)

[MaximusR3]

...Samuel Nicholas....

(take it devil dogs lol)

[Pakman3000]

who had just become the 1st captain of the Marine Corps in 1775 unbeknownst to Johnny. Johnny engages in a brief love affair with his wife. Samuel returns home one night to catch them in the throes of passion. The wife yells out "Oh, Johnny!" but he hears "Oh, Jody!" muffeld through the door. A legend is born. Knowing he has been bested, he leaves. Johnny ends the relationship and tries to get accustomed to life in 1776 by...

[Eahkavlar]

curling up into a ball and crying, "why God... why me?!" For Johnny had come down with historys first case of AIDs thanks to the 1st Captain's whore life style. Comforting himself with becoming the legendary Boston window cooling pie theif and engoring himself ten fold his orignal size. Johnny one day peered inside a window from which he had already taken his favorite pie (liver and lemon). Stopping in his waffle sized tracks, Johnny saw what he always hoped and dreamed for: ...

[A-25TH-ID-VET]

in a very long while. Before him he saw a tall frosted pitcher of beer. Johnny then reached out a grabbed the picture thinking that it was some kind of mirage. His fingers gripped the handle tightly and he could feel the coldness. Johnny then raised the pitcher to his mouth and started drink. Johnny then had a flash back of when Ivanna, 25th Id, River and himself where back at Slippery Dicks Half Way In Bar and Grill. He then wished he could be back with his two Ole beer drinking partners. Johnny then heard a sudden crash. It was 25th Id Vet and River marching in unison and signing a cadence "Johnny, Johnny Don't You Fear" "We Here To Help You Drink Your Beer" .......

[Ironhide400]

Johnny's jaw hits the floor. They come walking in the bar with their thongs and chaps on, and Vet has 25 shaved into his chest. Apparently they started drinking WAY earlier than Johnny! They tell Johnny of the pimped out stallion that River just got. They go outside and there he is, all black with a gold grill, gold horseshoes, gold trimmed saddle, and a gold bridal with trail feelers. River starts drinking his beer and tells Johnny the horse's name......

[ASignorelli]

is Fred. and his real name is fred. So Fred's ridin Fred, into the sunset but picks up a girl on the way, her name was... I don't know what her name was so we'll call her fred. Now, Fred's Riding Fred, whose ridin' Fred's, Ridin fred, whose riding Fred... And Johnny watches... Anyways, after they rode for a while, they end up getting abducted by aliens, and take only Johnny. Their first test they do Johnny was...

[Pakman3000]

a full body scan. They discover and cure his AIDS. Next he is seated in a giant silver chair and told that he is supposed to be the last navigator and the last starfighter by the AI of this derelict alien ship. Johnny sees this as the perfect opportunity to...

[Timmy_2_Tones]

finally defeat the Collector's. With Commander Sheppard leading the way, Johnny and Commander Sheppard take off into the Omega 4 Relay. While in flight they have a Satellite Conference with Timmy_2_Tones who is also known as the Elusive Man, they realize quickly that they have been set-up and they are on a suicide mission that is going to lead them directly to Collector Elite Unit run by a Gorilla Humanoid that goes by the name of Jenkens...... Possum Jenkens. Upon finding this out Johnny decides that he is not going to give in to the evil Demented Method of Timmy so he turns the ship onto manual flight mode and turns toward the Collector ship and engages warp drive, he then locks the ship into the flight path and smashes the control panels so that that sissy Sheppard can't stop the ship. As they rocket towards Possum's ship Johnny turns to Sheppard and says....

[Eahkavlar]

"I'll be back." Johnny spontaniously exsplodes leaving Johnny gibblets everywhere. What happened to Johnny? Well...

[ASignorelli]

He died. In space, and there's no coming back. and no this time it wasn't a dream. THE END!

Good 100 post Yarn peeps... Should we ever start another one?

[Timmy_2_Tones]

Hell yes we should do another one. Give me a couple days and I will have this all edited and in a story form. PM me your email addresses and I wil send you a finished copy.